I’ve blundered at writing this post for a while.

I’m a bit additionally disabled as a Fainting Goat for the next 2-3 months it seems. If you have not seen a fainting goat, go to youtube and search on it. You will laugh and thank me.

By having pelvic floor success with my physical therapist, I grew confident that I might conquer this hell that is pelvic floor dysfunction and return from Horizontal World to Vertical World with ease.

We had worked for nearly a year to get to the obturator internus muscle that connects hip joint to pelvis. Pressing on the “OI” brought screams to be sure. And then I felt better than I had in years.

But then.

Days later, I was exiting my shower, putting on my robe, and very suddenly and violently, the earth flipped upside down on me, everything went black, and I fell, bam! To the tile floor.

I thought “Oh, how interesting. This is death and it doesn’t hurt at all…”

I went unconscious for a bit then my husband heard the calamity and came running. The room would not stop spinning and I could not get up.

With me face-on-tile, we tried all the things with which we were familiar to no avail: juice? No. Food? No. Water? No.

On this random Thursday, I lied on my side for 8 hours, unable to stand. I waited it out, convinced that my body was just doing another shitty thing to me. “Hey, you’re 50, I can continue to have my way with you…–signed Life The Bastard”

My Formerly Grey Teeth were still intact, so that was a mercy.

The next day, the room was still spinning a little. I went outside to “help” my husband with water feature lights and bam! onto pavement I went-left side again. The swirling, spinning world, this time with wee bugs going about their business, unaware of Ms. Gulliver’s Travails.

The next day, the urgent care doctor concluded inner ear crystals out of place and prescribed Meclizine-a powerful antihistamine. Antihistamines make me hyper, unlike other people, so you can imagine how thrilling this news was to Mr. Wannabe. The next week, The Specialist concluded Multifacited Vestibular Dysfunction (MVD) and Migraine with Brainstem Aura (MBA). Vestibular problems can arise from being old and from being bedridden for a long time.

Fabulous.

But, Cool-I have an MBA. Or at least MBAs. These nasties are migraines that cause horrible visual and auditory hallucinations and temporary blindness without a headache. The last time one of these presented was last Friday, at a fancy restaurant, with visiting family, so there was THAT. I took a few minutes to regroup in the ladies room until 2 young drunk girls from California came in and conversed. My ears bled with every “Ahw” and “Mah” and “Gawd”.

THIS horrid condition of the vestibular system is VERTIGO and Auras?!

My God, people. This is not lightheadedness, swooning, fainting, or low blood sugar. This is really some sick joke. I’m surprised more horror movies don’t depict this.

Did I really need 2 more damn things to deal with?! Really?!

God and I had words. He knows I have quite a temper. And it’s getting shorter, especially when I can’t see. “God, I’m not going to inspire people if you blind me on top of all this. I’m going to ask my husband to make dreadful, humiliating memes with dead unicorns and lima beans…”

Threats aside, I have PT homework now involving Olympic sports tape (above) and a paint stick. Incidentally, if the bill comes from the PT clinic and charges said paint stick as “visual tracking device“, we will fight them.

I track the red sticker on the paint stick side to side and up and down to get my eyes to stop jumping. Yes, I have jumping eyes at the moment isn’t that fun? My eyes must also find a target to track whilst I’m walking without my cane. Somedays are better than others with this. Outside of bed, my body is confused where it is in space and my head bobbles; hence the artistic sporto neck tape. It actually looks cool and I wish it came in Henna design. But pink and blue is good. I’ll take those.

I wished so much that at 50, I could have posted this amazing photo of me and how well I was getting on and rocking aging.

But sometimes life is a blue-necked bobblehead with an MBA. Or 3.

And you just have to stay on target.