Movies.  As in going to the cinema to see one in person. IRL (in real life)

It kinda sucks.

If it isn’t a crying baby in an R rated movie, then it’s groups of drunk teenagers blabbing through most of it or small smartphone screens.

Bright white.

In the dark.

Last night, we attempted to go see “Wonder Woman” on a Saturday night.

Insanity.

There was a man with his 9 year old son in front of me.  And he was texting on his phone.

Yes, really.

By the 5th time, I said something.  My first instinct was to throw eggs on him.  I had no eggs,  My second instinct was to turn on my phone and use my flashlight and ask “0h, is that irritating?!”  Yes, I get angry like everyone else.  But I heard the words in my mind “Use your words, use your words.”

Words are harder.  I have to practice them in my mind.  I also got the “dangerous grizzly bear vibe” from this guy.

I leaned forward and asked nicely “Excuse me sir, could you please turn off your phone, the screen is very bright. Thanks.” 

The smell of hotdogs was heavy and revolting.

He muffled something angry and I thought we were done.

He kept texting, so I leaned forward again and asked again nicely.  Again, the hotdog smell.

His reply?

“I paid my money to see this movie!”

What?! Calm. Stay calm.

“So did we.  We didn’t pay to watch you texting.” I retorted, probably sounding like his mother.

He replied “I’m texting my WIFE about my SON!”

What?! God, I’m in upside down world….

I remained calm “Well, If it’s that serious, you should probably take it out to the lobby.”

Then he threatened me “Lean forward again and I’ll punch you in the face!” And  he started in on Mr. W. “And YOU! I suppose YOU’LL chime in!  There’s NOTHING you can do!”

I leaned back and said “Oh yes there is.  We can certainly go to the manager.” elbowing Mr. W who hadn’t heard the conversation or threat of assault and battery on his wife.

Mr. W. was willing to seek out help.  Calmly Mr. W walked out to find a staff person.  Crazy Hotdog Grizzly Bear grabbed his poor son and charged after Mr. W.

We’re gonna have a FIGHT at the movies?  Really?

Mr. W found a staff member of 16 and calmly asked procedure for a person behaving as Hotdog was doing.  Hotdog flung his crazy self into that conversation and began to realize how insane he sounded then said “We’re leaving!” The boy shrugged.

And Hollywood wonders why theaters are dying.

It isn’t home big tv’s or overpriced popcorn.  it’s Hotdog-smelling, pajama-wearing, infant-toting, smartphone wielding danger-idiots like this..

What would I do as a movie theater owner?     Ushers.  Remember when a bouncer-sized guy would roam the aisles with a tiny flashlight to make sure people weren’t being disruptive and would get the film stopped, the lights up and actually take people out of the theater?  People were still stupid back in the day, but now they have smartphones and a horrid sense of entitlement that society should accept any behaviour.  

Real ushers today might be cost-prohibitive.  How about virtual ushers?  Small cameras at the top of theaters and someone to monitor.

Invasion of privacy?  Maybe, but think of the legal repercussions of assault and battery and the PR nightmare that could go with a yelp or google review of a theater.

It’s ok. I can wait 6 months for a movie to come out and watch it from the safety of my home.
Image from

Opening Night.TBD. Joshua and Nathan Flynn
http://www.sculpt-double.co.uk/projects/theatre-usher/29/11/2015