When I said buh bye to e-harmony

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Saying buh bye to e-harmony back in the deh:

I thought I had posted about this painful time in my life.

“But you have so many it seems!”

I know. Deal.

That’s why I’m a writer.

Let’s see…these were the very lonesome days in Dallas, busy drilling a deep water well circa 2009-2010…living with my doggies, attending Divorce Care class, lifting serious weights. Rinse repeat day after day.

My co-workers tried to set me up- one was a dentist. I didn’t want to go down that road of the dentist telling my coworker “Ok, Jeb, I’m going to clean your teeth now but Susie was so weird on our date.” Or “you can’t have children?!”

Ugh.

So, after the incessant pestering, I signed up for e-harmony and told my co-workers so that they would just stop it.

Yep, answered the questionnaire thoughtfully and everything.

My “matches” were kind of horrifying to say the least.

One was thankful for:
“My left eye”

Another
Enjoys:
“Hangin’ with the ladiez!”

OMFG

Some questions required a paragraph.

It was impossible for most to grasp writing 3 coherent sentences.

In a row.

Then I saw a pattern: these guys were cutting and pasting answers!!

I just DIVORCED a lazy man-baby slob. I didn’t need to raise or pick up after another one.

I think I should help e-harmony by giving them these simple 10 questions:

1. Do you like to play cards?
2. Are you kind to animals?
3. In bed, do you know that there are 2 of you there?
4. Do you follow the principles of Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman?
5. Do you appreciate jazz?
6. Do you like science & art?
7. Is Dumb and Dumber your favourite comedy?
8. Is Elf your favourite Xmas movie?
9. Do you like travel and also being a homebody?
10. Do you cringe at the thought of hunting, fishing or hanging dead things on your walls?

If you answered yes to all 10, please call Susie at ……

Did I go on any e harmony dates?
No.

“How did you know you wanted to marry your husband?”

*Common interests.
We can both talk about rocks, science, music, life, movies and never be bored.

*Alignment on the big 3:
-Money (#1 cause of divorce)
-Sex (ask Mrs. Carson of Downtown Abbey)
-Kids (his are grown, we are older and didn’t want more).

I hope the guys appreciative of eyes and ladiez have found someone by now….

I’m just so glad that in 2009-10 there were no apps like Tindr, Grindr or the like.

Bye e-harmony buh byez…

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