Each time we go to the desert, we get very sick with a sinus infection. This trip was no exception and we are resting, taking our antibiotics and trolling Zillow for possible retirement properties. I finally had to wash my hair and put on some makeup. Even my VS bling hoodie could not help the cuteness factor.

We are aligned on so many things on the priority of what we each want in the dream house:

1. It’s all about the View.
Must be able to maximize seeing the beautiful Permian red rocks from most rooms.

2. Pool. Gotta have a pool for summers

3. No overly Southwest-customized anything. If it looks like kokipelli threw up, we’ll pass. A little bit of southwest crafty or “death by oak” goes a looong way.

4. Don’t buy a “house poor” house-So much house that we can’t afford to put furniture in it would be silly. We saw A LOT of this online. Expensive home, tiny plastic furniture.

I think about my HGTV shows with super-picky, buyers.

Buyers have no imagination. That’s why you need to look at a property as an investment. “Will this sell if I need it to?”

In looking on Zillow, I look past some of the bad decor and paint choices which are easy to fix. I look at the bones of the place, construction, design.

For fun, just some funny examples of crazy things we found on Zillow.

Mind you that taste and money do not go hand-in-hand. I looked at everything from $100,000-10M trying to see things through the eyes of a realtor and an investor.

Homes that are too custom are bad investments and you might want to keep your taxidermy to yourself.

One of the worst offenders listed an $8.9million house complete with models and a woman in a bikini-I swear. (I looked at all price ranges for funzies):

For $8.9M I don’t want to pump my own bath water in a stable.

And I don’t want a giant chicken staring at me while I cook Lemon chicken:

Somebody wanted to bring the sky indoors?

Who likes LIME?

Cactus n’ critters?

2003 called and wants its sponge technique paint scheme back.

“I use antlers in all of my DECORATING…..”

No. Just no.

Someone call Meridith Baer, she is desperately needed in Sedona…